Who is looking back

0327 hearts beating , I feel sick ,on edge , bloods pumping……..
Welcome to my night times.
I’m 38 living with myself and thoughts are hard. Only person to blame stares back through the light above the mirror, maybe it’s the few beers I’ve had, maybe it’s the weed I smoke, maybe it’s the shit diet I insist on abusing myself with, maybe it’s my meds….. truth is it’s none of these the fault the rotten feeling is in me.
I’m sick again I brush my teeth. I look again this time eyes red and watering I’m hurting. Everything in my life that’s ever went wrong is my fault.
At what fucking point do I end this shit! , a question that always exists but unanswered.

A line from a movie that sticks with me is this “I’m an engine of chaos” Heath ledger in the dark knight.

I know what it is to take life, I know what people look like when they die, I know the fear emotions as the darkness embraces them to take them from there pain.
I want this, but I can’t I just can’t do it.
Different story if just me but I have kids they are my anchor to this world.

Light in the dark they draw me back, I don’t see them everyday but everyday without them is torture and I cherish every Precious moment with them now.

Be day time soon and time to pretend and forget the night times happen.

I was a warrior a soldier a war fighter in far away lands now I’m just trying to get through each day at a time. Forget I messed up every aspect of my life forget I’m not living well, forget I bled on battlefields , forget an identity that was only ever borrowed…. and forget that I matter.

Today is another day. I have every right to be here I’ve paid in blood.

#PTSD #PTSDLIVING #PTSDimatter #SCOTLANDPTSD #ptsdcollab #ptsdeurope #ptsdsuicideprevention #lovewhoyouare